Lincoln, you have changed our lives in one short year...

Lincoln turned one last week.  I still can't believe it so I've been doing a lot of reflecting this past week.   I underestimated how becoming a parent changes you.  In fact, when I talk with soon to be parents I have to almost stop myself from trying to paint an accurate picture of what parenting looks and feels like.  Many times that picture would be characterized by exhaustion, thin patience, severe self-doubt, constant work and sacrifice. While those feelings may be common, so is joy, wonder, gratitude, awe and deep love. 

Being a parent changes you. It changes the way you look at the world. Suddenly, tragedies hit you differently.  You picture someone losing their son or daughter and immediately put yourself in their place and shutter at the thought.  Crying comes more easily to me.  It could be a news story or a hallmark commercial but suddenly all of those things mean more because they hit closer to my reality.

Becoming a parent changes your marriage.  Suddenly, it's not just the two of you.  You are required to be more and do more than ever before.  You must overcome obstacles you've never faced and open lines of communication become more important than ever.  Not only does Joe have to support me as his wife but he also must support me as a mother.  That extra role as father + husband + friend + resident can be challenging. Suddenly, he can't come home and have a "day off" the way he used to. Sleeping in is a thing of the past and even time at home has an element of work to it.  He has to deal with my mood swings, constant second-guessing and split focus. We now have to balance our marriage on this tight rope with our new roles as parents. We realize now more than ever that we need to keep our marriage as our top priority because it's easy to allow our role as parents to become our biggest concern. 

Becoming a parent changes the way you spend your time.  A quick trip to the store is a thing of the past.  Days of lounging and spontaneous road trips are a mere memory.  Now, many of our days are confined in a rhythm of meal and nap times (at least in the little kid stage).  Sometimes we feel isolated here...especially when interacting with friends in different stages.  There have been many times we've had to decline invitations because they don't fit in with bedtime or daily logistics.  Every once in a while we can make it work but often, we have to weigh the option of keeping Lincoln up from a nap or extending his bedtime against the monster he may become if he's overtired.  Many times, the fear of that monster keeps us in our daily discipline. Early mornings are the norm.  I used to feel guilty if I slept in and now I ask for that privilege any time Joe and I have a gift exchange. I do love that memories from my childhood are taking new shape as I experience them with Lincoln.  I am grateful to be close to parks and know that we will use our zoo membership all summer!

Ok, so I've said some of the ways that parenting changes you and realize that it may sound negative. Some reading this may even think 'why would anyone do that?' 'or does she even like being a mom'  Before you jump to one of those conclusions...keep reading. This list doesn't even scratch the surface of how parenting changes you for the good...

More ways parenting changes you... 

I understand grace and God in a whole new way.  Every day I find myself experiencing and relying on God's grace in deeper ways. I am incapable of being what Lincoln needs. I am selfish, controlling and a perfectionist but when I am the end of myself, I realize my continual need for a Savior.  I am seeing God's provision and mercy every second of my day.  Not only does God give me grace when I'm at the end of rope but I experience deep joy in the midst of struggle. It's true that parenting comes with it's challenges but it also comes with immeasurable joy.  When I read the Bible, new passages explode off the page because I suddenly see God sacrificing His only child through a whole new perspective.  I understand the examples God uses about fathers, children and parenting because I can see the parallels in our daily life.

A new sense of wonder.  I never understood a parents excitement over their child holding a toy for the first time but now I get it.  Think about it. You find out your pregnant (which is hard to believe on its own) and then God builds a HUMAN LIFE inside of you for only 9 months (ok...I should probably leave out "only" especially if anyone pregnant is reading this ;).  THEN, amazingly that life is brought into the world (a fact that is amazing on it's own. How do we survive that? Not only do we survive but we forget long enough to do it again!)  Every single day, Lincoln learns something new.  I mean one day he's sitting there unable to make eye contact and then a few short months later he's sitting up, or playing or walking or talking.  I mean, what did you learn this year? Did you go from a fetus to a tiny fully functioning human or from a immobile baby to a communicative toddler? It is amazingly wonderful.

A love you've never known.  I know love. I grew up in a very supportive, loving family. I have wonderful, loving friends.  I married the only man I've ever loved and he's better than I could have ever dreamed. And I responded to God's incredible love at a young age. While all of this is true, the love I have for Lincoln is a love I've never known.  He makes me want to be more than I can be on my own. I know I could run through a burning building or cross the ocean if I needed to protect him.  He has filled a chamber of my heart I never knew was there.  We can no longer imagine our lives without him and know that he has forever changed us.  In fact, it often astounds me that I can never un-know, or un-love him. When I was pregnant with him and often having difficulties sleeping, I would often fill my thoughts with visions of what he might look and act like.  It would always help me fall asleep because try as I might, I could never picture him (good thing too because he's so vanilla in comparison to what I was dreaming up).  Now, his face is all I see when I close my eyes. I can't stop swaying when I stand in line, even if I'm not holding him.  I hear his quick steps down the hall even when he's asleep. I laugh when I think of him making his squishy face or squealing as high as he can.  We've only known him a year but the love we have for him is more than we could have imagined.  It's hard to believe it will only grow!

More fun and more humor.  Lincoln isn't talking yet and he's already hilarious.  I love the way we spend our time.  Trips to the zoo, park or walks around the neighborhood are filled with more laughter and more wonder.  Many of our inside jokes have to do with the latest dance move or mannerism that Lincoln developed that week.  Dinner conversations have changed to his newest trick or latest whooper of a diaper.  Even his sounds are funny but I can't wait to hear what comes out of his mouth.

You fall more deeply for your spouse.   Watching Joe as Lincoln's dad is so attractive. I find I have fallen more deeply in love with him as I watch him creep into the nursery to sneak a peek at our sleeping boy or watch him pull Lincoln close for a bedtime story.   I feel close to him when we operate as a tight knit team, keeping our house afloat and our baby happy. Those victories bring us closer.  Now as a family of three, I realize my need for him and crave for more time with him. It's easier to see that time as precious and important.  Having kids can test your marriage but it can also make it stronger than ever; a process I am seeing first hand and am grateful for.  

Now that I've ranted on some of the thoughts I've had this week, I wanted to share what Lincoln is about as his busy one year old self...plus some pictures from his birthday party.

Lincoln: One Year Old

• You are SO busy.  It's hard to entertain you with a toy for ever five minutes because all you want to do is walk around the world.
• You are starting to become more of a momma's boy.  In the past, I've joked that you have no ounce of separation anxiety and while this is still mostly true you now won't let me out of sight in our house.  I used to be able to keep you entertained in the living room while sneaking to the bathroom or making dinner but now you have to be wherever I am.  It's cute, but also exhausting.  
• Your babbling vocabulary really expanded this week.  You've added "ya-ya" to the list of "da-da" and "ba-ba" but you are also just experimenting a lot more with different strings of letters and high pitched squeals. 
• You are beginning to understand more. You understand "Lincoln, put this here..." or "Lincoln, come here" as well as "Put your foot in your mouth" (a common expression while changing diapers) and "Lincoln, where's your tongue?"  The last phrase could become rude at some point but right now it's darling when he sticks out his tongue in full comprehension and delight. 
• You are attempting to run now.  Your steps have gotten faster and you are looking for new ways to move around.

• Iphone madness. The iphone is a beautiful thing but it is also the source of daily meltdowns.  We used to FaceTime regularly with grandparents and now most times they just see you crying because I won't give you the phone while we are chatting.  This is the first of many learning tools to show you that you can't have everything you want.  A lesson I hope you learn but will be a challenge to teach. 

• You like to play and wrestle.  Your Abuelita & Grandpa Hemerka SPOILED you rotten last week. They played and chased and wrestled you to your hearts content.  Now I am sure you are underwhelmed with just your mom and dad but needless to say, you've figured out the game of hide and seek and tackling.  You will often dash down the hallway, giggling as you go and stop long enough to catch sight of one of us to before darting into your bedroom. Then you hide behind the recliner in your nursery until one of us crawls after you.  It's pretty adorable.  When we find you, you like to be tackled. I'll take it because it's the closest I get to a big bear hug.

Tickles from grandpa

This is his usual delight over kisses from mommy...

• You have a new dance move: the foot stomp.  It's pretty cute to watch your happy feet when music comes on.
• Your friends and family were so sweet to give you such great presents but you weren't too interested in opening them.  It wasn't until yesterday that you learned the joy of ripping paper...your presents missed out but my coupons did not.
• You had your first birthday cake at your party! I'm not sure that you really tasted much of the cake because you were so curious about the icing. Before your party, I never realized that I never give you messy foods. If the food you are eating is slightly messy, I'm constantly cleaning your hands throughout the meal. Your first reaction to your cake was to peek at me to see if I was coming at you with a wet rag. After some encouragement and taste tests from mom and dad, you finally dug in and rubbed the icing all over. We needed a mid-party bath

Pre-cake excitement

Daddy had to help give you a taste.

This was your first reaction to the icing

We had to hold your hands to keep you from going after the candle. We were unsuccessful and you put out the flame with your fingers. Thankfully, you had some icing on them so you didn't get burned.

Not so sure about that cake.

Amazed you have sticky icing on your fingers.

 Here are more pictures from the party!

This was Lincoln's actual reaction to his birthday hat.

Thankful we got a good picture of him in his hat!

"Come on grandpa, why would I want to play with a ball when I am playing with a cell phone?"

We were all so THRILLED that the Hemerkas joined us. It was such a blessing to spend the week with them. Lincoln is so lucky to have such great sets of grandparents. Too much spoiling for one child...

A very special thanks to Kaylee Maresh for taking such wonderful pictures at the party.  She's an incredible photographer in the Denver area so you should reach out to her via Facebook to see how she can capture your family!

Joyful.

It's been too long since I've blogged.  I've been doing a ton of reflecting this past month and realize that I've been focused too hard on my struggles and not enough on my blessings.  I've been frustrated in this season of change and transition.  This month God's been showing me that he's doing amazing things in me and that they should result in joy. Not to mention that I married the most amazing man I've ever met and now have a son that lights up any room he's in.  God is continually patient and faithful not matter how stubborn and impatient I am.  I am thankful and this month Lincoln has grown and learned so many new things!!

Lincoln you are 11 months old

• Babbling has really improved as you experiment with your voice.  You say da da (You aren't connecting that to your dad yet), yell, screech, coo and babble most of the day, including early in the morning but your dad and I keep saying how much we will miss those sweet and silly sounds
• Although you are babbling more, you are also growing more frustrated when you can't express what you want...and boy do you know what you want
• Sympathy crying. You've begun to cry when you see another friend or baby around you crying as well.  It's sad and precious at the same time because you will be fine one moment, see your buddy crying and then burst into big crocodile tears.  

It's documented here with baby Shep Scott.

• You've started growing more picky in the food department.  You are over purees and baby food, even soft adult food is uninteresting to you because you want to pick up the food and feed yourself.  When you do find a new food you like, you eat is so fast that it's just packed in your cheeks.  You get that chipmunk eating quality from your dad I think.
• When you eat you are especially loud and you kick your feet and wiggle when you are enjoying your food. You also make the best faces and a generally a hoot to watch. 

• BUSY BOY! You are so easily distracted and constantly on the go from the moment you wake up in the morning.  Diaper changes are a riot because we have to find anything to hold your attention for a minute so that you don't flip and turn before we can get a new diaper on you. I've found I'm a lot less picky about the "toys" you want to entertain yourself. I keep a close eye but anything is game as long as it's not dangerous

Playing at a music class with your buddy Owen.

• Your favorite "toy" right now is a tube of chap stick. You are finally starting to become interested in books and in rare moments we can get through an entire one, especially on the Ipad.

• You are still captivated by music and have figured out what the piano does when you push it. Your dad captured this sweet video of you trying to help me practice for church. Be still my heart

• You love bubbles and squeal with joy as you watch them fall from the sky. That's a very different response from the first time we tried bubbles, they terrified you.  Good thing you got over that. 

• You love to hide things inside or underneath other things. I have to check for hidden objects daily underneath the couch.

• FIRST HAIRCUT! I kept hoping your hair would start to curl but I think you got my stick straight locks and daddy's rat tail so it was time. You did great. No tears, just curiosity for all of the barber's tools. We got a cute little certificate with the date and a little baggy with some of your hair clippings. 

• Night time is when you are crazy. You are all wound up from playing most of the day and yet you are exhausted and ready for bed. The combination make for some pretty silly moments and you are making me nervous in the bath because you want to get up and move around so bath time is pretty short and to the point right now.

• You are a pointing machine! You just learned last week and now we see your finger in the air pointing at everything in sight. It's pretty adorable to look back in the rearview mirror only to see your finger in the air.

11 months old mom!

• You are starting to learn air kisses. I am desperately trying to force you to become a cuddler. So far I am extremely unsuccessful but I hope one day, when you can decide to come give a hug or kiss, that you will give those generously. Until then, I will take them whether or not they are reciprocated!

• Clap, clap, clap! Our Pittsburgh friends, Jess & Ryan Coblentz, visited last weekend and while you were playing with Jess in the back seat you finally learned clapping! Now I love to watch you break into spontaneous clapping while you are exploring. 
• You are starting to understand the concept of "gentle" so you will actually pet Bear now! You're fascinated with jewelry so Nana's "pretty" was another good lesson in being gentle.

Admiring Nana's "pretty"

Head bump kisses

• Drum roll please. YOU ARE WALKING! You started to take baby steps (you know I just chuckled while I wrote that because it's literally true) last month and would take several at once. We assumed that walking would be an immediate action but you took your time practicing steps here and there when you were in the mood. We saw you gain more strength and balance and knew it was close.  After a play group with a few kiddos that were walking all over you decided it was time to join them and now I can't keep up with you. Your toys are boring right now because you'd rather walk and explore your new level of freedom. I think it's time for some baby gates.

And yes...you are carrying your chap stick in this video...

Here are some other pictures from our adventures and visits this past month.

We loved having the Coblentz's in Colorado!

I also love that it's March here and we are outside in short sleeves. I do love Denver weather

Lincoln is fascinated by Shep.

Hanging with Mr. Jeff!

I was so lucky my mom came to hang out with us as Joe started a hard rotation. So lucky to have such
an amazing mom to model myself after. 

My birthday was a few weeks ago and I got to celebrate with friends and pancakes from Snooze. They were so so good!

They even brought me an extra pancake with a candle!

Lunch was wonderful and I love spending time with Kristin and Owen but the boys
were getting pretty tough to appease them at the end of lunch as we approached nap time.  No worries, Lincoln is reaching into an empty glass and Owen is playing with the to go box. We got it covered.

And thank you again to the NW Oakland staff for sending me yummy Shari's berries!!