Things I've learned from being a mommy...so far

Lincoln is eight weeks old today!  There’s a part of me that can’t believe he’s already so big and another part that is excited to see how he continues to unveil his personality as he grows up.  After two months of experience, I can say that being a parent is feeling more natural.  Can I let you in on a secret? The greatest lessons we’ve learned have been complete surprises to us!

I feel like when you get married, people like to share their marriage war stories. I remember so many people warning us about the ‘up all night fights’ and being annoyed about how towels are folded and a host of other tragedies that may be brought on by saying “I Do.”  I remember entering marriage with one eye squinted, looking out for these difficulties at every turn.  The thing I realized, however, is that no one shared with us how much fun marriage is!  I remember sharing with some friends after six months my surprise at what a blast it was to live with and love my best friend.

We may have gotten stiff warnings before marriage but we only got oos and awes before becoming parents.  Pregnancy was difficult for me. Not because of health concerns (thank the Lord) but because my identity and emotions were completely out of whack.  Poor Joe…I never realized what a strain it would put on him for me to be constantly blue or in need of another pep-talk.

We felt we were ready to become parents and on one hand we were. We built dreams together about what we wanted our family to be like and were ready to start to see that dream become reality.  Joe had to convince me to take the pregnancy test and was certain that it’d be positive. I, on the other hand, didn’t think it would and didn’t want to get my hopes up.  Joe prayed before we took that test. That’s still one of the most dear details of that day because we know now that Lincoln’s life has been covered in prayer since the very beginning.  Joe charged in the bathroom to check the test and when it was positive we both cried.

In the months that followed, our time was taken up with the looming residency decision.  The timing couldn’t be more perfect or challenging.  We would find out if we were moving and where only four weeks before Lincoln’s due date.  Denver was the place so after he was born, we had only six weeks to learn how to become parents and move across the country.  Therefore, I make this following list with a grain of salt, some of these revelations may have been enhanced because we were also packing up our home and starting over in a new place.

Lessons learned from being a mommy

1. The weeks leading up to your due date are strange.

I remember thinking ‘What will I do today? Get groceries? Clean the house? Have a baby?  Not knowing when your baby will arrive but wondering every second whether or not you’re in labor can take up a lot of mental space.  I was five days late.  Especially after my due date passed, I felt as though I couldn’t see or talk to anyone.  People get uncomfortable around you when they are afraid they might have to help deliver.  It’s ok to remove yourself from civilization for a little bit.  I had to get a craft to work on so that I wouldn’t go crazy in the waiting. Wouldn’t you know that in the middle of painting, Lincoln decided it was time to show up!

2. Modesty goes out the window when you deliver a baby. 

I have never been so vulnerable in front of Joe, my family or complete strangers (like hospital staff).  When you are focused on having a baby, learning to breastfeed and in recovery, you suddenly have a lot more to worry about than being completely covered up. Oh and you may also want to use the mirror during delivery.  Weird, I know but it’s a pretty incredible process and you may want to have the first peek at your baby.

3. Being a mommy (and daddy) is hard work

The first few days (in the hospital) were great (aside from feeling like a truck had driven out of me…but that’s a worthwhile part of it…).  A piece of advice: let the nurses take the baby to the nursery those first few nights so that you can get some sleep.  It was after a week of little to no sleep and constant worry that made me realize how much work it is to be a parent.  I had to write my mom a letter because I never thanked her for the endless hours spent attending to my every need before I was playing that part in Lincoln’s life.  I thought I knew exhausted around finals week in college but being a parent to a newborn takes exhaustion to a whole new level.

4. You may not like it at first…and that’s ok!

That statement may seem crazy and not all parents experience this…but you don’t have to feel guilty if you do.  There was a big part of both of us that wanted to go back to our pre-parent.  We both expected to have this huge, romanticized experience when we looked at him and brought him home as the newest Hemerka.  It was unnerving when we didn’t feel that way…it took us a long time to admit that to one another because we felt ashamed.  Dads have it worse too. At least a mommy as the chance to bond with the baby because you gave birth and may be his or her only source of food.  I did have amazing bonding moments when it was just me and Lincoln in the middle of the night and I marveled at how amazing he is—taking in his little features and feeling his heartbeat and watching him breathe, realizing he’s a living creation from our love.  Dads, on the other hand, sometimes only get the poop end of the stick…literally.  It seemed like Joe only got to experience the baby when he was crying.  Changing dirty diapers and being spit up on doesn’t exactly warm your heart the way you expect.  Plus, much of Joe’s excitement for having a son cannot be fully realized until he’s older. At this early stage, you don’t even get much interaction.  It’s easy to feel like all of your love and devotion is going into a black hole.  We didn’t realize before how many of the things we are excited to experience and teach Lincoln must wait because right now, he’s too little.

Sometimes a connection, even with your own kid, needs time to grow.  Not all people are baby people and sometimes that doesn’t change, even when it’s your own.  Right before having the baby, my mom shared with me that my dad ‘wasn’t really into us kids’ until we were older.  This really surprised me after knowing how involved, committed, loving and passionate my dad is about us.  I didn’t see how this was possible until we had Lincoln.  Both of us experienced a huge surge in love when he smiled at us on purpose for the first time.  Now, we spend 80% of our day doing everything we can to see him crack one smile and our heart swells every time it happens.  With each passing day, we are enjoying being parents more and more and continue to fall in love with him. I can only imagine how big our hearts will be as we watch him grow up.

One more thing, don’t be afraid to admit it.  When we finally admitted our struggles, a huge weight was lifted.  Not only that, but many of our friends who are also parents admitted feeling the same way.  In fact, I’ve been so surprised to learn how common it is and how nonchalantly we’ll converse about it.  It feels so good to know you’re not the only one and to receive encouragement from others who have been there. It’s like we’ve entered a secret “mommy & daddy” club where we are learning things about our friends we never knew before.

5. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Somehow becoming a mom made me feel like I had to know what I was doing.  Picture this: God grows a child inside of you, you push it out and then expect to know what to do with it?  I did.  I felt defeated when I couldn’t change his diaper fast enough, open his stroller, or soothe his crying.  First of all, baby equipment is CRAZY.  Each piece is different, the manuals are confusing and its awkward to use, especially when the first chance you get to practice is with a teeny tiny baby who may or may not be screaming at the time.  It’s ok to not know what you’re doing, in the beginning the baby doesn’t even know how to be a human.  I am still working through this one. I find I worry when he’s too content or not content.  I still second guess my decisions and whether or not I am feeding or caring for him right but the pressure is lessening with time.  I’m trying to laugh more and worry less.

6. Bodily functions become common conversation pieces.

7. Idiots have babies…so don’t worry that you’re a bad mom.

There can be a lot of judgement when you take on the role of mommy. You can find a dissenting opinion to every decision you make.  Books upon books are available that will tell you that you must do this or that and that if you don’t, you’re a bad mom.  Take the phrase “bad mom” out of your vocabulary.  Are you loving and caring for your baby to the best of your ability? Answered yes? Then you’re the perfect mom for your child. In fact, God has given you the unique ability to be the BEST mom to the baby He’s entrusted to you.  You’ll impact his or her personality, decisions and future.  When Lincoln was three weeks old he hit a growth spurt and wanted to eat every hour.  I was exhausted and he was crying because he wasn’t getting enough.  Forumla supplementation was the best option but I felt like that meant that I failed, that I couldn’t provide for him.  Joe reminded me that if I was keeping his needs in mind and meeting them, that I was the best mom.  After we started supplementing with formula, he was less fussing and slept longer.  Honestly, it helped me keep my stress down as well! That’s just one small example to show that if you know your baby and if you’re keeping his or her best interests in mind that your decisions are the right decisions for your baby.    If you’re stress free as the mommy then your baby will be happier.  Do what you need to keep your sanity!

8. It keeps getting better…
It's amazing to watch him grow and develop. I love seeing his personality bloom right before my eyes. Here's a video of him learning how to use his arms and legs while discovering his handsome reflection.