I'm a wannabe...

True Confession

I'm a wannabe.  Mostly, I find that I "wanna be" her or I "wanna be" like that...This past week I found myself doing a lot of life comparing. Have you ever done that? You know, lurked people on Facebook or blogs and thought 'Man, so and so is so awesome. Look at their life. They have great clothes, say clever things, are super creative, and do fun activities all the time. Plus they are gorgeous, have a great family, tons of friends and they make it all look so effortless.'  Maybe it's just me but I find that as I look at other people's lives, suddenly mine doesn't seem as fulfilling.

I've always had this need to feel included. In fact, now in adulthood I work really hard at trying to make others feel that way because most of the time, I feel like an outsider.  Externally it may not show, but inside I'm constantly second guessing every word and action...hoping that the people I'm with will accept and validate me.  This is exhausting.  I can remember when I was in third grade that I really wanted to be friends with a group of girls at church.  They were so pretty, funny _____ you fill in the blank ____. Basically everything I wanted to be but didn't think I was.  I wasn't sure how to become their friends so every Sunday I just sat by them.  Finally, after a few weeks of obviously targeting the seat next to them and pretending to include myself in their conversation, one of them turned to me and asked "Why do you always sit by us?" Thankfully I was naive and didn't take the hint so after a while, they finally just gave up and let me tag along.  Looking back now I laugh because I know I finally just wore them down.

Why do I always do this? I look out at others and lose sight of who God's made me to be.  When I do that, I'm instantly overpowered by insecurity and am no longer content with who He's made me to be.  Worst of all, I go from a mindset of gratitude for my many blessings to being self-centered and disappointed. I found myself doing that a lot this week.  I kept taking an inventory of everything I'm not but wish I were. 

I wish I was very creative.  Mostly, I am not.  Do I like to pin things on Pinterest? Yes. Do they every get accomplished? No.  

I wish I were clever.  I know I have to work very, very hard to say something witty.

I wish I were fashionable.  Most days, especially now, my biggest accessory is spit up.  If I am in something cute, it's probably because I stole the look from a fashionable person I admire.

I wish I were..I wish I were...

Sometimes that list goes on an on.  

I'd been sullen all day so when Joe and I got in the car, I had to admit that I was a wannabe.  As I started to put my feelings into words, the tears came. Here I am, trying to explain that I'd been comparing myself to X, Y & Z all week and it'd left me feeling hollow and sad. Not only that, as I started to explain it, I also felt crazy.  My prayer for this week has been to want to be me.  Sounds cheesy I know, but I wonder how many of us spend most of our time wishing we were like someone else instead of embracing the things that make us unique. The things that only we can contribute to someone's life. 

Alright, here's a fun little baby to brighten your day.

Lincoln is 6 months old!

Lincoln, I can't believe you are already six months old.  You have changed so much already and our love for you has grown outrageously! I can only imagine that you will continue to steal our hearts in the months and years to come...but I'm ok if they wait a while. I will always see you as my baby so I'd like for you to stop growing up. Please and thank you.

• You've sprouted another tooth so now your bottom one has a friend.  In honor of this occasion, we've introduced the toothbrush.  My goal-to help you have less cavities and your dad and I.

• You saw your first snow (and I got to bundle you up in all of the adorable winter gear I've had tucked away)

• Your dragon sounds are getting even louder. So much for cooing and gooing, you go straight to growling and snorting.  You're so happy (and usually furiously flapping your arms in delight) that we can't help but love those dragon noises.  Can't wait to put you in your Halloween costume...it's appropriate.
•  You love to eat...well you love it when you're a few bites in.  You have the best disgusted expression when you start and then you sit there like a baby bird with your mouth open, ready for the next bite. So far you've had rice cereal, green beans, peas and now carrots.  

• You can hold your bottle, but only when you want to.  You're easily distracted so I usually have to help keep it in your mouth but you have the hang of it.  Sometimes you like to take it out of your mouth and examine it tip to end.  You also like to grab the nipple and squeeze it...just looking at that makes me nervous that you'll try that on me so I quickly divert your attention...

You're so interested in Bear.  You will track him around the room and just laugh.

I'm not sure Bear is as amused...

•  You're sitting on your own.  Every once in a while you'll wobble (so I usually reinforce you with the boppy for now) but you're getting better at catching yourself or switching to your belly.

•  You're curious about everything. It's so fun to watch you pay attention to fine details and examine everything around you. Now, instead of just putting things in your mouth (which you still do) you will stare at them and turn them over in your hands in amazement. You're fascinated with my ring and are noticing different textures.

 Honestly little man, you're getting more fun.  I'm not sure that I'm ready for you to become mobile but I love watching you grow.